fictionandessays

Turtles and NASCAR drivers

by “Mr. Wishy-Washy”

October 01, 2007

(orig. publishing date)

I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are put here on earth just to completely aggravate me. Take driving. There are only two types of drivers on city roads, (besides me, and maybe you).

Turtles. This type take their sweet time tooling down the road ― usually in the far left lane. They’re hesitant and slow in making decisions. Like changing gears, or lanes; going into a shopping mall or driveway, and of course, making a right hand turn. They invariably are the first ones at a signal light. They don’t start moving on green until it’s the shade they like. This is even more irritating in the left-turn lane. Most seem to think the on-coming traffic has green too. They always wait three or four seconds before starting to turn, just to make sure! Even though the situation of both lights being green at the same time has never happened.

Guess where the Turtles are in the flow of traffic? Always, and I mean always, in front of me. Even when I guess correctly on what they’re up to, and I finally maneuver to pass them, or they finally get off the road, there’s another batch of ’em up the road apiece. The ritual starts all over again.

NASCAR drivers. Always too many cars on the road, or not enough road for them. They get right up to my bumper before changing lanes. I think if I had my tailgate down, they’d climb right into the bed. Some drive in the right-turning lane, then cut into the regular right lane. Just so they don’t have to wait their turn in the normal flow of traffic.

Guess where they are in the flow of traffic? Yup, always behind me. Even when these selfish idiots get ahead of me, there’s another batch of ’em behind them as replacements.

Some of you may be thinking, “Change your schedule.” I’m already ahead of you, (and, I don’t mean on the road ― though I may be). I’ve thought, maybe if I left the house five minute or so before I normally would, I’ll be ahead of all the lousy drivers at any given point I would have been. Nope. Okay, Let’s try five minutes later! Nope, same results.

My conclusion is that somebody schedules the movements of traffic to screw up my enjoyment to drive; but who?

Who else? Some local government body. Like the county traffic control board. How long have we been hearing about how some local government is going to coordinate the synchronizing of traffic lights to keep the flow of the road at an even pitch. Yeah, like forever; since the days of oxcarts. Maybe they have without us knowing it. Then they started a “Bureau for Keeping Traffic in Chaotic”. There must be coded ads in the newspapers for Turtles and NASCAR drivers. This government agency then hires and schedules them according to the current traffic flow. If it’s running too smoothly = more idiot drivers; too clogged-up = less idiot drivers. See how easy that is?

© James M. Britvich 2007 All Rights Reserved