Rube Goldbergs

Rube Goldbergs

by “Mr. Wishy-Washy”

October 22, 2007

(orig. publishing date)

I’ve found another group of people who are here on earth just to completely aggravate me. Computers are the contemporary Rube Goldbergs in the communication world. People associated with programming them are the culprits. Working off-line is generally trouble-free for me. Word processing, spreadsheets, stuff like that. Going into the outside world of cyberspace is like bumping into an ogre. Nothing but trouble. I read Q & A’s about programs concerning lost files, error messages and such. New, or revised versions are the worst. Always claiming this replacement should eliminate the current list of bugs, they’ve revised the bugs, or created new demons.

I’ve been roaming ‘the gremlin’s domain’ in a spaceship named Confusion, for a year now. While attacking my keyboard with well-meaning attempts to hopscotch through the barrage of programs, I consistently kept hearing loud metallic clanging sounds from my laptop. I’d stop my work, and lightly shake it to find the source of the noise. Finding none, I’d go back to work. Shortly, the clanging sounds return. I then disconnected the connections, turned it over and undid the covers. I found nothing loose. “What the hell’s going on here?” I put everything back together and started up again. There it goes again!! (Have any of you other newbies gone through this?)

Carefully analyzing the situation, I figured it out. It’s not the hardware. It’s the software. It’s the work of the sadistic programmers. They throw in a lot of monkey wrenches into the works. Bumping into them creates the noises. I haven’t stopped getting them. Not by a long shot, but now I know what they are, and how to handle them. I wear earmuffs to muffle the sounds while on the ‘Net.

The programmers mentor of course, is Bill Gates. Need I say more. No, but I will. After XP started in 2001, Bill Gates and his henchmen started working on a new Operating System with the given name of ‘Vista’. Even before being released late last year, with still many many bugs to fix, the next generation was already given a name! The original name was ‘Blackcomb’; since then, changed to ‘Vienna’. It’s already in the planning stage. They should have changed the first name to ‘Black hole’. That way, no new system would ever be needed again. No details on the features and improvements were given for this latest mind trap. Suffice to say that features and improvements are euphemisms for monkey wrenches.

The worse the offenders of life are, the deeper in hell they should burn. High on the list are ambulance-chasing lawyers, telemarketers, road-ragers, and others that affect your life. Add to the list, computer programmers.

Why are all these new Operating Systems being developed. Why not stay with one of the earlier versions, say Windows 2000, and just keep debugging it and improving the internal configurations in other beneficial ways? There’s big money keeping the computer world in chaos. Notice the similarity in the spelling of money and monkey (wrenches). More than just a coincidence. Look at all the jobs created. New programs and revisions of these new programs. Memory chip makers to increase abilities of CPUs to handle the constant barrage of new monkey wrenches. Newspaper columnists answering questions from users concerning lost files, error messages, overcoming ‘revised’ program glitches and other bugs ……

Why is Bill Gates worth billions? He’s made billions on the operating systems. Sure; but there’s more. The IRS has prided itself as the epitome of complexity. After looking at the his O.S.s and how they create more problems and frustration with every new system, they were humbled. The chief of the IRS conceded that Gates is really good. No, the best, at creating trouble for computer users. They hired him (and his henchmen), to completely revise the tax code. That’s why tax forms and instructions have become even more of a nightmare the last 15 years or so. The next time you do your taxes think Bill Gates.

It goes on and on and on. Could it be the computer world is in existence just for the pleasure of these sadists, and not us users. Yeah, that be it. Am I being too cynical? Maybe, but I doubt it.

© 2007 by James M. Britvich All Rights Reserved


A Ghost of a Chance

A Ghost of a Chance

by "Mr. Wishy-Washy"

(Mo) February 11, 2008

(orig. publishing date)

How many times have you prayed to the Lord for something mundane, like lots of money in one swoop, only to be, apparently ignored. Admit it now. Lots of times. It probably has greatly dampened your belief in God. You ask for a handout, and you expect one — you deserve it! We have a human organization, called the federal government, that does give out handouts, like candy at Halloween.

So, why doesn’t God do so. Even with the much needed help given by televangelists, many of your prayers go unanswered. Ask yourself — Why? I took it on myself to find the answer. I concentrated on the problem. As I raised my arms to the heavens, angelic music fills the air. The solution bounced off my head, dazing me for a minute. I saw stars. That’s logical. The answer came from the heavens.

The evangelists pray to the Lord Jesus Christ. Logical. God the Father doesn’t get many requests, because He is too busy doing the important stuff, like keeping the Universe in order, adjusting the rings of Saturn – stuff like that. The Lord is so overwhelmed with beseeching pleas though, that He just can’t handle them all — and yours are the ones getting ignored.

Here’s where my revelation comes in. Remember the third Person, (if you can call a ghost, a person), in the triad. Everyone prays to the Father or the Son. The Holy Ghost is left out in the cold, given very little attention. He’s the Rodney Dangerfield of the group. Imagine His excitement when He finds all this new attention He’s getting. He’ll gladly give all the attention needed to get your life in order. Be sure you act quickly though. When others, especially those televangelist, catch wind of this, lots of competition for your wants will develop. Good luck to you.

P.S. If the Holy Ghost grants your wish, and you feel compelled to thank me with some, preferably lots, of money, e-mail me, and I’ll tell you where to send the contributions. If you’re related to Scrooge, meaning you’re a cheapskate, at least send me a note of thanks in the ‘comment’ box. Thanks.

© 2008 by James M. Britvich All Rights Reserved


Turtles and NASCAR Drivers

Turtles and NASCAR drivers

by “Mr. Wishy-Washy”

October 01, 2007

(orig. publishing date)

I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are put here on earth just to completely aggravate me. Take driving. There are only two types of drivers on city roads, (besides me, and maybe you).

Turtles. This type take their sweet time tooling down the road usually in the far left lane. They’re hesitant and slow in making decisions. Like changing gears, or lanes; going into a shopping mall or driveway, and of course, making a right hand turn. They invariably are the first ones at a signal light. They don’t start moving on green until it’s the shade they like. This is even more irritating in the left-turn lane. Most seem to think the on-coming traffic has green too. They always wait three or four seconds before starting to turn, just to make sure! Even though the situation of both lights being green at the same time has never happened.

Guess where the Turtles are in the flow of traffic? Always, and I mean always, in front of me. Even when I guess correctly on what they’re up to, and I finally maneuver to pass them, or they finally get off the road, there’s another batch of ’em up the road apiece. The ritual starts all over again.

NASCAR drivers. Always too many cars on the road, or not enough road for them. They get right up to my bumper before changing lanes. I think if I had my tailgate down, they’d climb right into the bed. Some drive in the right-turning lane, then cut into the regular right lane. Just so they don’t have to wait their turn in the normal flow of traffic.

Guess where they are in the flow of traffic? Yup, always behind me. Even when these selfish idiots get ahead of me, there’s another batch of ’em behind them as replacements.

Some of you may be thinking, “Change your schedule.” I’m already ahead of you, (and, I don’t mean on the road though I may be). I’ve thought, maybe if I left the house five minute or so before I normally would, I’ll be ahead of all the lousy drivers at any given point I would have been. Nope. Okay, Let’s try five minutes later! Nope, same results.

My conclusion is that somebody schedules the movements of traffic to screw up my enjoyment to drive; but who?

Who else? Some local government body. Like the county traffic control board. How long have we been hearing about how some local government is going to coordinate the synchronizing of traffic lights to keep the flow of the road at an even pitch. Yeah, like forever; since the days of oxcarts. Maybe they have without us knowing it. Then they started a “Bureau for Keeping Traffic in Chaotic”. There must be coded ads in the newspapers for Turtles and NASCAR drivers. This government agency then hires and schedules them according to the current traffic flow. If it’s running too smoothly = more idiot drivers; too clogged-up = less idiot drivers. See how easy that is?

© James M. Britvich 2007 All Rights Reserved